
I think you're expecting me to talk about custard pies in Noel's face. I think you might anticipate expression of queasy joy at a "Wonderwall" worthy of the Shaggs. I think you're wanting me to speak of the scarved ringmaster, the missing link between Sammy Davis Jr and Son Of Bazerk, becalmed, energised, and his throaty BACK IN BLACK solution (the non-missing link between Bon Scott and Scott La Rock) which immediately cancelled out all 99 problems in one parcelled pavement of brotherly breath. I think you'd chide me for not mentioning Westwood's paean to Peel, high-snapping Tottenham Court Road ghetto fallback orders to Broadcasting House, the antidote to Noel nausea ("SIGN UP NOEL THIS IS HIP HOP THIS IS 2008 AND BEYOND") and even if three Westwood "RUBBISH"es just about add up to two of Jay-Z's "TAKING THE PISS"es he is DJ dynamite which makes Dale Winton and his 90 Mad Stuntman seconds look like Stuart Maconie's back garden.
I think you'd not forgive me for missing out musing on this Carter man and his effort-whispering reorganisation of Pop History's Tapestric Jukebox so that Amy and Rihanna and the Prodigy all become part of his Learesque jigsaw puzzle, and if you put it all together you'd build a mirror of 200,000 punters who empowered the biggest fuck you to a 2008 Britain that virulently needs it. I think you'd guess that I'd consider Jay-Z the Ishmael Reed to Gallagher's Mailer (what would he do without the booze and the promise of brawl inspiration?). I think you ought to know that it's all turning wrongly right again - the feasted, reddened-to-the-point-of-Klein blue faces in Henley, the more subtle Chiltern water torture racism of the Wimbledon crowds against Murray, the theorise-themselves-further-into-their-armchairs sneers at Harman's Equality Bill, the super-eager leap to grab people like Alexandra de G and Naomi C and hold them up as FACES OF SHAME - and no, neither exactly does themselves any favours, let's not go over the Mailer bowsprit here, but young, uppity, black and female; evidently a fatal quartet (what would the reaction have been had either been white? Oh yes, like Jade, we just breathe for a fortnight and then, um, REHABILITATE them again) - and the amiable apartheid of BBC music radio (1Xtra, oh good, we can shove them all into this pen, now quick, before Cameron gets upsettily uppity) and especially the crushing shame of Radio 2, with ex-Skrewdriver roadies and magazine writers who thought it a pleasant idea to plaster Union Jacks on covers as an anti-American protest (the spirit of Richard Hoggart's NASTY AMERICA/THEIR LIVES ARE BETTER THAN OURS AND WE'RE SCARED BEND YOUR HEAD AND DRINK YOUR TRIANGLE OF MILK quadriceps cap lives on!) laughing at Jay-Z being at the Glasto and losing all those sales when they should have booked somebody PROPER like I don't know the FUCKING FLEET FOXES, and what the fuck, I turned on Radio 1 yesterday morning and there was a jingle from picket line disregarder Jo Whiley, still skippingly trying to pretend that a multi-millionaire company director can be down with any kids other than her own, sniggering (note the hidden word, of course) "Back in the kennel, Westwood! Glastonbury isn't just about hip hop (but it has HARDLY EVER been about hip hop)! It's about guitars because I'M SCARED because if we play you HALF A SECOND of rude rap you'll scuttle off to Virgin or Capital or xfm STAY IN YOUR BOXES LISTENERS EVEN IF WE HAVE TO NAIL THE FUCKERS DOWN because I'LL LOSE MY JOB and after all great radio is always run by fear ISN'T IT?" - just keeps on pressing because they need you to stay with your demographics (your "own kind")...eclectic? What is that? Eclectic Light Orchestra? That's Radio 2, isn't it?...
I think, therefore, you'll gather that Saturday was a glorious strawberry and absinthe lollipop of a FUCK YOU to all of that; the global jigsaw of Jay-Z which puts Noel in alongside Bush and Kim the whatever number he is (and he should feel honoured, if indeed he is capable of feeling) just PWNING POP at that moment, that time...and what is pop if it's not about those moments, those GLISTENING CATHODES when it all shifts into a new and better focus and you instinctively know you were rightly wrong all along? Yes, he could have done a more "purist" set (purity! authenticity! does Joe Boyd really still believe in that Indiana Jones hollow pot of bronzed truth?) and the "bitches" bother me but Civil War-old jazz slang (and probably Thoreau invented the bloody thing anyway on a ropey Wednesday afternoon just to prove a point to Ralph Waldo J Gleason Emerson) does not a Taliban make (but then: definition of a lady, someone who could walk out on stage at any time, as Beyonce could have done on Saturday, but doesn't? Where are my Ibsen Brodie's Notes when I need them?) and anyway Jay-Z's JIG-ANTIC POP-HOP was RIGHT without any capitals in the way where the Verve with their mollusc-burdened 1974-style soft rock (now is THAT not the deepest of insults to weekend audiences?) could never travel (maybe in '92 when they were still capable of quantumising anti-solace but would you even buy a once-used Chad and Jeremy single from Ashcroft now?); the whole history lapped up in his tops and then the "FUCK BUSH!" and the extended acappella freestyles where Doc Johnson's London (and the don Estelle), Bush fuckability and Barack BIG-ups all solidify and liquefy into a pleasing punch that everyone could lap up top and did, the solos as flighty and magnificent as prime unaccompanied Cecil T, the seemingly casual moves from references to references (rather than "songs" as such - note that back door RADICALISM of PROCESS OVER FORM, READERS) reminiscent of late-period Gil Evans or George Russell, but they were all there - Big Pimpin', and Annie, and blink and you bliss it Takeover, and Show Them Watcha Got (Jan Garbarek solitude reincorporated into a Buddy big band blast!) and Punjabi Knight Rider MC and Take Three Girls (yep) and Dirt Off Everyone's Shoulders and even as a spectator from x hundred miles away (not that many hundred, I wouldn't have thought, but huge spiritual leagues had to be negotiated on Saturday) it felt justified and less than ancient, and yes it's a fucking shame that thirty years after Kool and Flash and Bam started all this off hip hop still has to "justify" itself and boy were they waiting for the Hova to be CONTROVERSIAL and PUSHY and ABUSIVE (I contemplate the zero fuss that would have arisen if, say, Eminem had been picked to close Saturday) but no, he was as dignified and politely unapologetic as Ellington was in any given sixties festival bill his band had to be on under Christ knows who these kids are; he was unashamedly generous, humble with a genuineness that was unfakeable, but always the underlying message, THIS IS OUR MUSIC, but by being such it then becomes everyone's music, like the 200,000 at Glasto who KNEW that the old "rules" couldn't be magicked to work anymore (if they ever did, and petrified old Eavis closes the door on his future as a result of whiteboy plantation media scares), like the young black hoodies who wandered into the basement at Notting Hill MVE on Saturday afternoon and immediately undertook a detailed investigation, with much furrowed associated debate, of the basement's extensive indie section, yet another cumulatively massive rebuff to scared, old people of all ages who want us to be settled, tidy, accepting of censures and compromise - and the most important spark flying from the arc-weld of Jay-Z at Glasto on Saturday night was the one which smilingly said, there's nothing to be scared of (and the mirror on the other side to those intent to enemise: "you have EVERYTHING to fear!"). It was pop music saved, I think you'd know I was going to conclude.
I think you'd not forgive me for missing out musing on this Carter man and his effort-whispering reorganisation of Pop History's Tapestric Jukebox so that Amy and Rihanna and the Prodigy all become part of his Learesque jigsaw puzzle, and if you put it all together you'd build a mirror of 200,000 punters who empowered the biggest fuck you to a 2008 Britain that virulently needs it. I think you'd guess that I'd consider Jay-Z the Ishmael Reed to Gallagher's Mailer (what would he do without the booze and the promise of brawl inspiration?). I think you ought to know that it's all turning wrongly right again - the feasted, reddened-to-the-point-of-Klein blue faces in Henley, the more subtle Chiltern water torture racism of the Wimbledon crowds against Murray, the theorise-themselves-further-into-their-armchairs sneers at Harman's Equality Bill, the super-eager leap to grab people like Alexandra de G and Naomi C and hold them up as FACES OF SHAME - and no, neither exactly does themselves any favours, let's not go over the Mailer bowsprit here, but young, uppity, black and female; evidently a fatal quartet (what would the reaction have been had either been white? Oh yes, like Jade, we just breathe for a fortnight and then, um, REHABILITATE them again) - and the amiable apartheid of BBC music radio (1Xtra, oh good, we can shove them all into this pen, now quick, before Cameron gets upsettily uppity) and especially the crushing shame of Radio 2, with ex-Skrewdriver roadies and magazine writers who thought it a pleasant idea to plaster Union Jacks on covers as an anti-American protest (the spirit of Richard Hoggart's NASTY AMERICA/THEIR LIVES ARE BETTER THAN OURS AND WE'RE SCARED BEND YOUR HEAD AND DRINK YOUR TRIANGLE OF MILK quadriceps cap lives on!) laughing at Jay-Z being at the Glasto and losing all those sales when they should have booked somebody PROPER like I don't know the FUCKING FLEET FOXES, and what the fuck, I turned on Radio 1 yesterday morning and there was a jingle from picket line disregarder Jo Whiley, still skippingly trying to pretend that a multi-millionaire company director can be down with any kids other than her own, sniggering (note the hidden word, of course) "Back in the kennel, Westwood! Glastonbury isn't just about hip hop (but it has HARDLY EVER been about hip hop)! It's about guitars because I'M SCARED because if we play you HALF A SECOND of rude rap you'll scuttle off to Virgin or Capital or xfm STAY IN YOUR BOXES LISTENERS EVEN IF WE HAVE TO NAIL THE FUCKERS DOWN because I'LL LOSE MY JOB and after all great radio is always run by fear ISN'T IT?" - just keeps on pressing because they need you to stay with your demographics (your "own kind")...eclectic? What is that? Eclectic Light Orchestra? That's Radio 2, isn't it?...
I think, therefore, you'll gather that Saturday was a glorious strawberry and absinthe lollipop of a FUCK YOU to all of that; the global jigsaw of Jay-Z which puts Noel in alongside Bush and Kim the whatever number he is (and he should feel honoured, if indeed he is capable of feeling) just PWNING POP at that moment, that time...and what is pop if it's not about those moments, those GLISTENING CATHODES when it all shifts into a new and better focus and you instinctively know you were rightly wrong all along? Yes, he could have done a more "purist" set (purity! authenticity! does Joe Boyd really still believe in that Indiana Jones hollow pot of bronzed truth?) and the "bitches" bother me but Civil War-old jazz slang (and probably Thoreau invented the bloody thing anyway on a ropey Wednesday afternoon just to prove a point to Ralph Waldo J Gleason Emerson) does not a Taliban make (but then: definition of a lady, someone who could walk out on stage at any time, as Beyonce could have done on Saturday, but doesn't? Where are my Ibsen Brodie's Notes when I need them?) and anyway Jay-Z's JIG-ANTIC POP-HOP was RIGHT without any capitals in the way where the Verve with their mollusc-burdened 1974-style soft rock (now is THAT not the deepest of insults to weekend audiences?) could never travel (maybe in '92 when they were still capable of quantumising anti-solace but would you even buy a once-used Chad and Jeremy single from Ashcroft now?); the whole history lapped up in his tops and then the "FUCK BUSH!" and the extended acappella freestyles where Doc Johnson's London (and the don Estelle), Bush fuckability and Barack BIG-ups all solidify and liquefy into a pleasing punch that everyone could lap up top and did, the solos as flighty and magnificent as prime unaccompanied Cecil T, the seemingly casual moves from references to references (rather than "songs" as such - note that back door RADICALISM of PROCESS OVER FORM, READERS) reminiscent of late-period Gil Evans or George Russell, but they were all there - Big Pimpin', and Annie, and blink and you bliss it Takeover, and Show Them Watcha Got (Jan Garbarek solitude reincorporated into a Buddy big band blast!) and Punjabi Knight Rider MC and Take Three Girls (yep) and Dirt Off Everyone's Shoulders and even as a spectator from x hundred miles away (not that many hundred, I wouldn't have thought, but huge spiritual leagues had to be negotiated on Saturday) it felt justified and less than ancient, and yes it's a fucking shame that thirty years after Kool and Flash and Bam started all this off hip hop still has to "justify" itself and boy were they waiting for the Hova to be CONTROVERSIAL and PUSHY and ABUSIVE (I contemplate the zero fuss that would have arisen if, say, Eminem had been picked to close Saturday) but no, he was as dignified and politely unapologetic as Ellington was in any given sixties festival bill his band had to be on under Christ knows who these kids are; he was unashamedly generous, humble with a genuineness that was unfakeable, but always the underlying message, THIS IS OUR MUSIC, but by being such it then becomes everyone's music, like the 200,000 at Glasto who KNEW that the old "rules" couldn't be magicked to work anymore (if they ever did, and petrified old Eavis closes the door on his future as a result of whiteboy plantation media scares), like the young black hoodies who wandered into the basement at Notting Hill MVE on Saturday afternoon and immediately undertook a detailed investigation, with much furrowed associated debate, of the basement's extensive indie section, yet another cumulatively massive rebuff to scared, old people of all ages who want us to be settled, tidy, accepting of censures and compromise - and the most important spark flying from the arc-weld of Jay-Z at Glasto on Saturday night was the one which smilingly said, there's nothing to be scared of (and the mirror on the other side to those intent to enemise: "you have EVERYTHING to fear!"). It was pop music saved, I think you'd know I was going to conclude.













